I Made A Promise

So, since I have last posted here, needless to say I have been smoking. Now, this time is serious. I HAVE to quit. I have made a promise with the love of my life to the point where it is my time to keep up my end of the bargain.

People in my life want me to quit smoking. Well, here it is. I have, foolishly, made the promise to Pamela that if she were to organize her belongings and possessions to the point where it was a tolerable mess, I would quit the cancer sticks. To much chagrin, she has kept her part of the agreement. It is time to quit.

Damn her for such needless worrying over my health. Didn't she get that study performed in the 1950's that says smoking will cause no harm to the human body? I guess her copy was not so outdated.

This is my time to finally relinquish the weakness, turning my addiction into strength over what grabs me by the balls, shaking me about until a new pack is opened. From now on, the only thing I will be packing tight is the nicotine withdrawals.

See you when I wake up from this bad dream!

Yes, it has been awhile. But I come to you with only regretful news that my quest is not going as planned.
I have cut down on smoking, but I have failed to quit.
That is alright though. I know it is not what I intended, but I know now that it will take more than a notion to overcome this weakness.

I still do have every intention to quit, and I am going to very soon. I am still very much trying to put this habit behind me and move on, but I have realized that there is more about myself that needs to change in my life besides smoking. If you read my other blog, "Two Watches", then you know that I have come to the realization that I am a weak person in many other ways that probably contribute to the weakness I have when it comes to smoking.

At the risk of sounding cliche or drone, I am on a road of enlightenment where I am looking deep inside my soul to know the reasons, or at least understand the reasons, why I portray so much anger. Why my soul is weak when it comes to something as simple as nicotine.
The two probably go hand in hand. To settle the anger that overwhelms, I smoke with the ignorance looming of calmness with each puff.

I am merely human, but now I know that being human still does not give me the excuse to not be the addicted, angry snake that will only slither across his life without the remorse of not trying.

Forgive Me Father, For I Have Smoked

You had to see it coming. Everyone had to know that I would give into the temptation.
I didn't think I would this time, but there it was, dangling right in front of my face like the steak in front of that bulldogs face in the Tom and Jerry cartoons.
It was a nice, refreshing cigarette with sweet menthol tastes.
How could I resist?
Very easily probably, but with my bad mood and the excuse I knew I would use - stress - I gave in and felt the smoke overwhelm my body and cause that wonderful tingling feeling of ecstasy in the form of tobacco.

I figured I should be honest and even report my failings. I am still on course though to quit, and I truly do want to quit.
The beast has not yet been tamed!

Right now, though, as I sit here typing, I feel nothing but calmness and wish not to smoke anymore without even a craving.
I think that is a good sign.
So I will keep my chin up and my lips un-puckered as this journey continues.

I am in a bad mood right now, though. I do not know if it is the nicotine withdrawals or the fact that I wish I didn't have to work.
But hey, I still do NOT want a cigarette.

Bitch on Frank! Bitch on.

Last Puff Y'all

Here it is!!
Everybody stay clear, for tomorrow will be my first full day of non-smoker activities.
I will enjoy the fresh air without self imposed pollutants. I will be one step close to tasting that steak and its real flavor. I will be, quite frankly, crabby as hell.
One more to go, which will probably be smoked by the time this night is over. I am saving it for that special moment that I will remember so I will be able to tell stories of my last cigarette. I will tell the date, the time, the weather, even the direction of the wind as I tell my heroic tale of defeating the beast once and for all.

One more.
Wow!

Who would have thought that after all this time and especially after all these "breaks" I would really be quitting for real. Or, at least, wanting to quit for real. I can look back on the other times I have "tried" to quit smoking, knowing whole heartedly that my mind, my body, and my soul was not into it. This time it definitely feels different as I prepare myself for that last cigarette, of what could be, my life.
I am actually and genuinely excited. If you would have asked me three weeks ago that I would actually WANT to quit smoking, I would have said you are fucking nuts! But here I am, wanting to finish this last cigarette so I can leave the unhealthiness and pure grossness behind me as I undertake a life of purity.
Well, pure lungs at least.
So, as the days go on and my mood changes like my girlfriend during that time of the month, I will keep posting with relents and pure emotion as I let out my frustrations all over this damn blog.
The day of reckoning as come!
I am ready and willing, hopefully able, to accept the call of nature that is hounding my soul saying that the carbon monoxide is that last straw which broke the proverbial camels back of nature.

I am gonna smoke.
See you tomorrow.
Assholes ;)

The Burns On My Soul

Well, I haven't posted in the last couple of days due not to not wanting, but due to lack of developments and nothing to say.
Nothing has changed except for the amount of cigarettes left in the last pack which once was a smokers, metaphorically of course, paradise.
This journey is beginning to take shape as I prepare myself mentally for the further adventure that is about to begin. I know I have talked before about the love and desire of smoking, but as the days dwindle, I find myself taking less pleasure with each puff that merely is nothing more than compensation.
Compensation for what? Well, compensation for mental weakness mostly. It is used as nothing more than a vice that is believed to relieve stress, or used to keep idle hands and boredom at bay. I compensate for the lack of will power, or more so the un-wanting of will power, that I know is involved in breaking this addiction.
I also compensate for the needlessness of nicotine withdrawals, the shakes and uneasiness it brings forth, the mood swings, but mostly the uneasiness.
I do wish that this habitual smoking was never started now that it is known to myself that the toughest part of smoking is the stopping. But, unavoidably, smoking is truth. It is my reality that is undeniable but yet, at the same time, unfathomable.
Why unfathomable? Well, I say that for the reason that, at one time, it was the one thing that I wanted least for myself. Like I have stated in past blogs, it was the one "turn-off" that isolated myself from wants and desires.
I was so adamant about not smoking that I would turn up my nose, or look down my nose - whichever way you want to say it - at the people who did partake in it because I did think I was better for not giving in to the temptation or the social norm that was among young adults or teenagers. I would find myself ignoring could-be friendships or relationships for the simple fact of smoking. It was socially disgusting.
But now, with all of that in the past, all I am left with is the truth. The truth that I am a smoker who now feels the need to quit. Not only to quit, but to obliterate the thoughts that I know will arise that will try to convince my better judgment smoking is fine in moderation.
This is not going to be merely a journey for relinquishing myself of a vice that has taken a strong hold upon my soul, but this is going to be a journey toward a mental state of toughness and cohesiveness. This is, however, a journey I am prepared for. This is a journey that must be taken alone; I must try not to find that proverbial crutch that will help me stay strong. This is a journey toward honesty.
This is an honesty to myself which will lead me toward the reality.
That reality being a smokers liberation.

Do You Puff or Drag

So, here it is; a pack and a half down with another pack and a half to go.
The countdown is nearing its completion.

I hear some strange orchestrated music in the background, like something out of an old "scary" movie where you get that sense that danger is lurking.
I guess better to hear that music now as I embark on my journey of freedom and cleanliness rather than hearing it play as I lye on my bed gasping for air.

As each cigarette disappears, I think about the nervousness that will endure as the nicotine slowly passes through my body. I think about the habits being broken as I yearn for just "one more" drag.
I am getting apprehensive about this whole thing already.
Time to get mentally tough, I guess. It is time to get ready to count those days as they pass so impressive milestones can be shared with friends, family and strangers alike.

I am hoping though, more than anything, that I do not become one of those ex-smokers that ramble on about their experiences with the habit.
I smoked for twelve years before I quit. I used to smoke more than a pack a day then one day I just quit. Cold turkey! I didn't need no damn patch or pills, I just stopped. Ya'know, you should really quit those, they will kill ya.

That is what I fear the most for the reason that I can see myself doing that. I have this feeling that I will start with the preaching about two weeks after I completely stop.
I love to spread my wisdom upon ignorant smokers who believe that life will go on forever because they had family members that smoked and drank all their lives and they lived well into their eighties. (No offense Donn)

I will tell them about my uncle who once had a collapsed lung, or about my other uncle that is on an iron lung. I will share my experiences and preach the good word until they throw back at my face the fact that I smoked for several years with the knowledge and first hand experience of the effects of smoking.
But hey, I learned. Better late than never.

Another thing I do not want to become is the fat ex-smoker.
Oh, how I dream to keep my girlie figure and size thirty-three waist; or at least lose my figure when middle age spread kicks in as my metabolism dwindles down to nothing.
That is another thing though, I can see myself getting fat too.
Oh why oh why must I be so mentally weak?
Why must it be when one bad habit is lost, another must rear its ugly head and cause yet another resolution to proprieties.

Well, here is to, about, another four days of a smokers life.
Like I said, the countdown is continuing and seems to be getting faster as the weekend approaches.

I just remember a quote by Fletcher Knebel.
He said, "Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics".

Well, I don't want to become a statistic.
Hell, I never wanted to become a quitter either, because we all know quitters never prosper.

But, I guess, one of those wants needs to remain unfulfilled. I guess I will take the latter.

I Love These Things!

All night, pretty much, I sat and slept wondering and dreaming about how much I LOVE the dirty sin that is smoking. I thought about the wondrous feeling of the first cigarette of the day, the glorious smoke that is had after a big meal, the settling smoke before lights out and I wonder why I would want to quit such a religious experience.
Then, I think about the health problems that can arise after years of habitual smoking. Emphysema and lung cancer seem to be the two main ones and also the ones that can scare me right into a non-smoking stature.
Plus, smoking is becoming a very hard thing to do here in Illinois since the ban was put in place at the beginning of this year disallowing smoking in public places. There is no smoking in bars, in restaurants, in offices or any other workplace, only fifteen feet away from any entrance to a public building.
It is getting tiresome have to bring a tape-measure everywhere I go now.
I work in an automotive shop where dust, grease, carbon-monoxide and other metal particles are floating on the air and into my lungs, but yet, smoking is prohibited. Everytime I see a vehicle running in a closed area with no place for the exhaust fumes to go but through my mouth or nose, I have to comment, "Thank God we can't smoke in here, that stuff will kill ya".
But, I digress. Smoking has gone from a hip happening in the past to a social shun here in the nineties and this new millennium. It is like I am all of a sudden to believe that the ban and tax hike on sales is put in place by the government to sway my tendencies towards a non smoking life.
I won't rant about how the government saw free money to help pay for their careless spending and decided to tax the holy crap out of a pack of cigarettes with unbelievable notions of doing this to prevent teens from smoking. Nor will I mention how the governor of Illinois was ready to tax cigarette sales more to pay for health care for children. It is all a bunch of crap, but I still will not get into that.
I am here to talk my way through a non-smoking life, which seems impossible. I want it to be possible, and I feel it will be possible this time, but still it seems to be unachievable. For some reason the bad reasons do not out-weigh the good reasons. The good reasons being only I like the taste and the feeling and the bad reasons obvious. But still, those good reasons enough to keep me opening a fresh pack - with my teeth on some days.
We are definitely creatures of habit. I imagine a smoke free ride to work, a cigarette without my morning coffee, a drink without lighting one up, and I already feel the nicotine withdrawals.
Yeah, I know, this is a mindset. Something a non-smoker would say.
My mindset is focused on quitting, which I know I can do. But smoking is not a mindset, it is pure and simply heaven on earth.