The Burns On My Soul

Well, I haven't posted in the last couple of days due not to not wanting, but due to lack of developments and nothing to say.
Nothing has changed except for the amount of cigarettes left in the last pack which once was a smokers, metaphorically of course, paradise.
This journey is beginning to take shape as I prepare myself mentally for the further adventure that is about to begin. I know I have talked before about the love and desire of smoking, but as the days dwindle, I find myself taking less pleasure with each puff that merely is nothing more than compensation.
Compensation for what? Well, compensation for mental weakness mostly. It is used as nothing more than a vice that is believed to relieve stress, or used to keep idle hands and boredom at bay. I compensate for the lack of will power, or more so the un-wanting of will power, that I know is involved in breaking this addiction.
I also compensate for the needlessness of nicotine withdrawals, the shakes and uneasiness it brings forth, the mood swings, but mostly the uneasiness.
I do wish that this habitual smoking was never started now that it is known to myself that the toughest part of smoking is the stopping. But, unavoidably, smoking is truth. It is my reality that is undeniable but yet, at the same time, unfathomable.
Why unfathomable? Well, I say that for the reason that, at one time, it was the one thing that I wanted least for myself. Like I have stated in past blogs, it was the one "turn-off" that isolated myself from wants and desires.
I was so adamant about not smoking that I would turn up my nose, or look down my nose - whichever way you want to say it - at the people who did partake in it because I did think I was better for not giving in to the temptation or the social norm that was among young adults or teenagers. I would find myself ignoring could-be friendships or relationships for the simple fact of smoking. It was socially disgusting.
But now, with all of that in the past, all I am left with is the truth. The truth that I am a smoker who now feels the need to quit. Not only to quit, but to obliterate the thoughts that I know will arise that will try to convince my better judgment smoking is fine in moderation.
This is not going to be merely a journey for relinquishing myself of a vice that has taken a strong hold upon my soul, but this is going to be a journey toward a mental state of toughness and cohesiveness. This is, however, a journey I am prepared for. This is a journey that must be taken alone; I must try not to find that proverbial crutch that will help me stay strong. This is a journey toward honesty.
This is an honesty to myself which will lead me toward the reality.
That reality being a smokers liberation.